Put a little of this stuff in the place where it matters. Then tell her some offhanded bull about how you learned the secret art of lasting all night long from Sting’s wife.

Maxim, Feb 2000

Don’t punish yourself with damaging visualizations of Janet Reno to last longer in bed. In America we have drugs. We’re talking desensitizers: those magical sprays and creams that claim to turn a minute man into a marathoner. Always up for easy ways to look good in bed, we had a couple road-test some formulas. We handed them the elixirs and a stopwatch and told ’em to go at it like epileptic poodles (“Anything for science,” said the guy) and report back in a week. Using nothing the first time, our man took an embarrassingly speedy 59 seconds to fire his weapon. Here’s how he did with the help of America’s top scientific minds:

Indian God Lotion ($15)
Secret ingredient: Isopropyl alcohol. Conveniently, it’s also a substance used in wart removers.
Directions: Spray the soldier’s helmet, wait a half-hour, then rinse and deploy.
Sensation: Cold, numbing tingles set in minutes after application. “It felt like I had visited a dick dentist,” the guy complained. “And in the sack I felt like a pick swinger in a coal mine.”

Shot fired in: Didn’t happen. After 30 minutes of continuous motion, he rolled over and fell asleep. “But for once I had an excuse,” he reported happily.